Three Ways to Avoid Your Date Turning into an Interview
Do your approaches often turn into interviews? Are you an expert at asking questions, but seem to always run out of conversation? In fact, does this happen to you once too often:
You: “Hey, I was just out grabbing a coffee, but I saw you walking past, and I just had to tell you you’re stunning…”
Her: “Thank you.”
You: “So what have you been up to today?”
Her: “Just shopping for a few bits and pieces.”
You: “Oh, so, did you get that handbag today?”
Her: “Yes.”
You: “Where did you get it from”
*confused gaze of ‘why does he want to know??’*
Her: “Err Topshop…”
Think about how you chat to your best friends, the people in the world you have the best conversations with. I bet you don’t ask that many questions. That’s because questions aren’t a regular feature of great, organic conversation. When we chat to people we know really well it’s more of a natural exchange of opinions, joking and statements. Get this good at talking to a stranger on the street, and they’re going to feel instantly connected to you.
Treat a hot girl you don’t know with intimacy and she’s much more likely to get intimate with you.
So here are my top three tips to make questions in conversations like the Kakapo. Ever heard of that? Nope. That’s because it’s nearly extinct!
1. Ask the question to yourself instead of asking it to her: People will often feel compelled to reciprocate your statements. So if you want to ask her what she’s up to today; instead tell her what you’ve been up to today. Just ask the question you would have asked to her in your head and tell her your answer. She should then respond with the reciprocal information.
Question: “What have you been up to today?”
Statement: “You know what, I’ve had a really hectic day. I’ve been rushing between meetings, and just had to pop out to grab a coffee. I think it’s always so nice to sit in a coffee shop and watch the world go by: even if it’s only for five minutes.”
By making your statement as detailed, and specific as possible, it also gives her plenty of things to respond to. In this statement she could have talked about being busy, what she does to relax, coffee, meetings etc. This choice makes it easy for her to respond. The easier it is for her to respond, the more likely she’ll give you a good, invested response.
2. Make the question indirect: Direct questions demand a response and tend to lead to short answers like ‘yes’ or ‘no’. If you get a single word answer it then becomes really tough for you to carry the conversation on. Instead, make the question open ended and allow her to make a broader response.
Question: “Do you like it in London?”
Statement: “I don’t know about you, but I always find it odd how anti-social Londoners can be. Other cities around the world people will just stop and chat to you. But in London people tend to keep themselves to themselves so much more. I mean, I don’t know if you’ve tried this, but trying even to make eye contact with someone on the tube is a challenge.”
The repeated indirect hook of ‘I don’t know if you’ve tried this’ will re-engage her with what you’re saying and signal to her there’s something in what you’re saying that she can respond to. This will help her to think of a counter statement about what she’s been up to today.
3. Actively Listen:
The best way to get better at making statements is to really listen to what she’s saying. If you do, you should be able to listen and respond. When she says something think what the key topics she’s introducing into the discussion are: and then respond with what your knowledge on that subject is.
Questions: You: “So where are you from?”
Her: “Berlin.”
You: “So do you like it there?”
Statements: You: “So where are you from?”
Her: “Berlin.”
You: “You know what, I went to Berlin at the end of last year. I found such a low rise, leafy and peaceful city compared to London. I actually found it really relaxing compared to the bustle and buzz of London: you can’t walk around Oxford Circus without being surrounded by people, but Mitte was pretty chilled.”
Here the topic introduced was ‘Berlin’. By talking from your own experience on the subject she mentioned it will help you to find commonalities. If you also manage to talk broadly and engage her on other topics like cultural differences the rest of the conversation should flow much more easily.
3 Comments to “Three Ways to Avoid Your Date Turning into an Interview”
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Dan Tena says:
Hey Hayley,
Great article! It’s good to see your writing again, I’ve missed it. Keep up the great work.
Dan
Hayley Quinn says:
Thanks Mr. Tena… hope to catch you in London again sometime
Varun says:
I love how to-the-point your articles are.
I”ve been trying to help some friends with improving their conversation, but when they ask me what I do, I can’t explain it, the best explanation is have is “dude, just talk to her with in a casual fun way like you’ve known her for a while”.
You break it down nicely.